No one can ever know I look at porn!
That is what kept me stuck watching porn and blocking me from getting help.
I was deeply ashamed of what I was doing.
I hated myself for doing this dirty disgusting thing and I could never tell anyone or ask for help.
It took me 30+ years to get over that where I could ask for help.
For me shame, someone else knowing this about me was the worst thing that possibly could happen.
It wasn’t that someone would find out and then this would happen.
It was no one can ever know, exclamation point, end of story, no more discussion.
It wasn’t until later on in my life when I felt safe enough with my therapist to ask, could porn be a problem for me?
And then from there, little by little did the layers come off.
Shame was the worst feeling ever and I never even considered the possibility that I might not feel it or that I could get through it.
I didn’t know that shame is JUST an emotion that is no different than happiness or joy.
Sure it feels different but at the end of the day, it’s just an emotion that is caused by a thought you think. An idea you believe to be true.
But seeing that it’s just an emotion, helped me understand that yeah maybe I can learn to get through it.
Maybe I can grow stronger and overcome it.
I had to make it make sense in my mind for me to be able to walk through it in order to get help.
In many ways, I allowed myself to feel shame so that I could get help.
I didn’t see it that way as much as maybe I won’t die if I tell someone.
But in all my years, no one ever did.
