One of the most important lessons we can learn as human beings is how to take ownership, aka “owning it.”
Owning it means taking responsibility for everything in our lives.
It can be a very hard lesson to learn, especially if it was never taught to you. It’s also challenging because society, in large part, teaches us to blame everyone and everything else for our problems.
Because of that, many of us grow up unaware of what we’re missing and default to the blame game simply because it’s what we’ve seen modeled and because it feels easier.
Our brains are wired for efficiency, to avoid pain and conserve energy, so taking the easy way out often feels like the natural choice.
I didn’t learn this myself until very late in life, despite having multiple opportunities to do so. But since we’re only capable of doing things within our current skill set, I can now clearly see that I just wasn’t fully ready.
Life teaches us lessons, often the hard way, and when we’re truly ready to learn them, we do.
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
My most poignant moment in learning this lesson was when my girlfriend at the time screamed the words “FUCKING OWN IT!!!” inches from my face. At the time, I was struggling to stop watching porn and often lied about using it.
My lies about not telling her were often the same ones many of you may have told yourselves:
“I’ll tell her later.”
“It’s better she doesn’t know.”
“I’ll just never watch it again, so this time won’t matter.”
The lies do more damage than the porn.
When she screamed at me, I screamed back, “I AM!!” in defense.
I thought I was owning it. I thought I understood what that meant. But looking back, I know I really didn’t.
I truly believed I couldn’t stop watching porn because “the urges were too hard.”
Another opportunity I had was when I was in a 12-step group, trying to learn the steps. My sponsor at the time described it as, “Everything is your fault.”
I didn’t like that at all and it pissed me off, mainly because I didn’t understand how the actions of others, what other people did, could be my fault.
So I threw it out and filed it under:
“This shit doesn’t make sense.”
And subsequently:
“This doesn’t work for me.”
But now, years later, I understand it completely. I can see that it wasn’t the message that didn’t make sense, it was that I wasn’t ready to hear it. I wasn’t ready to take radical ownership of my life at that time.
Taking ownership changes everything. It’s what moves you from feeling powerless to feeling in control. From blame to choice and from stuck to free.
If you want to talk about how quitting porn gives you superpowers, this is one of the best there is.
One of the best ways to practice taking ownership is to look at your thoughts and find where you’re not owning it.
For example, last night I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep because my brain was trying to get me to worry about things. I grabbed my notebook where I keep a list of thoughts I want to practice in those moments and I started to read them.
I realized that a lot of the statements I want to think are the opposite of the stressful thoughts I was thinking.
That reminded me that one of the tools I frequently use in mindset work is to take a statement (a thought, an idea, or something you say or someone else says) and turn it around into its opposite.
Seeing all of that and putting it together helped calm my mind.
It was a profound moment, and I wanted to practice it some more, so I started reading comments on Reddit and turning them around. I called it playing The Opposite Game.
Here are some examples:
The Opposite Game Examples
From:
“It made me realize how much porn rewires the brain”
To:
“Porn didn’t rewire my brain without permission. I kept choosing it, and now I get to choose something else.”
From:
“Hopefully I can keep a streak going for at least November”
To:
“I’m the one who decides if I keep a streak going in November.”
From:
“I’ve been using for 25 years and tend to binge a lot on weekends”
To:
“I’ve used weekends to disconnect, but now I’m learning to use them to reconnect with myself, my values, and my future.”
From:
“I can’t do anything in moderation and unfortunately after 9 years off booze, about 5 off weed…”
To:
“I’ve been telling myself I can’t do anything in moderation and that belief is driving my behavior.”
From:
“It is preventing me from living life as I want to.”
To:
“I am preventing myself from living life as I want to.”
From:
“However, now I’m 18 trying to quit porn entirely and the memories of what I used to consume are flooding back to me.”
To:
“As I try to quit porn, I’m choosing to focus on the memories of what I used to watch.”
From:
“I need help.”
To:
“I’m creating the feeling of needing help with my thoughts.”
From:
“It’s just a quick glance, but my mind remembers, and hours later I start wishing I could go back to porn again.”
To:
“I’m choosing to let that glance turn into a fantasy instead of letting it go.”
————-
If you want to give this a try, look at some of your recent posts or journals if you do that or just what you’re thinking right now and try to make the them the opposite.
I’ve created a worksheet below that you can use to guide you.
Also, utilize AI because that’s a great tool that I use for many things I write.
The Opposite Game Worksheet
Turn your thoughts around. Change your experience.
Step 1: Write the Thought
Write down a thought that’s creating stress, shame, urges, or resistance. Be honest and specific.
Example:
“I can’t stop watching porn.”
Step 2: Flip It
Turn that thought into its opposite or a more empowering version. You’re not trying to lie to yourself. You’re offering your brain a new lens to consider.
Example:
“I can stop watching porn.”
You can also try turning the blame inward or outward and explore what feels more honest and helpful.
Step 3: Try It On
Ask yourself:
- Does this version feel possible?
- What changes when I believe this?
- How would I show up if this were true?
Let it sink in. Try thinking and acting from that version today.
Now You Try
Your Original Thought | Your Opposite or Empowered Version |
Helpful Prompts
Try flipping thoughts like:
- “I can’t control the urges.” → “I can handle urges.”
- “This is just how I am.” → “I can change.”
- “I’ll always mess this up.” → “I learn from every slip.”
- “I’m broken.” → “I’m healing.”
- “I need porn to feel better.” → “I can comfort myself in better ways.”
Daily Practice
- Choose one or two thoughts a day
- Flip them using this worksheet
- Repeat the new version out loud
- Practice believing it for the next 24 hours
A lot of this is based on the principles of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and a book called Loving What Is by Byron Katie, which I recommend everyone read. Her process, called The Work, is a powerful way to question your thoughts and find freedom on the other side of them.
