In the past going on vacation meant chasing alot of risky sex.
After getting buzzed at the bar over lunch, I’d go get a “massage.”
By nighttime I would head to the strip clubs looking for sex.
And in between I was driving around looking for adult bookstores or watching porn from my phone.
My entire trip was consumed with thinking about or finding sex.
Because traveling was a chance to escape my “normal” sex life with my wife.
Married sex had become predictable, something we checked off the list on Saturday mornings.
But traveling meant I could do whatever I wanted without being found out.
Without running into anyone I knew.
I would think “at least if I get arrested it won’t be announced in my hometown paper.”
In the moment it felt thrilling.
But inevitably I would hate myself afterwards.
I hated that I wasn’t having sex with my wife.
I hated that I had to lie to her about the things I was doing and make up stories about where I was.
I hated that I couldn’t perform sexually with her because all my desires were being fulfilled at strip clubs and massage parlors.
I felt incredibly guilty and ashamed all the time.
And the worse I felt about myself the more disconnected I felt from my wife
So I’d go back to the massage parlors and strip clubs
And the cycle would continue
Until it ended in divorce.
…
Now I really can do whatever I want when I travel.
I have no one to answer to.
No one to hide things from.
So what do vacations look like for me now?
Instead of searching for massage parlors I search for the best restaurants to enjoy a good meal and non-alcoholic beer.
Instead of sitting in windowless strip clubs I sit in the sun with my toes in the sand.
Instead of watching porn I watch sunsets and the tide coming in.
Why?
Because what I want more than sex is intimacy.
I want to feel true connection.
I want to love and be loved.
I want to feel proud of who I am.
And I want to feel this way whether I’m single or in a relationship.
Whether I’m home or on vacation.
This is the life I wanted, so this is the life I gave myself.
And it’s available to you too.
I can help you.
