How much do you hate yourself after a relapse?
God, it’s the worst!
It’s driven me to think about ending it at times because that seems better than repeating the same shit.
I kept slipping and relapsing.
I’d beat myself up over it.
I’d promise to get better and try my hardest. Then, I’d slip and relapse again.
It was an endless pattern.
I once had a near-panic attack because I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop.
The Reality Check
One of the hardest parts of overcoming self-hatred is this: Watching porn does not make you a bad person.
It may go against your values and beliefs.
But using it doesn’t mean anything bad about you.
It does not define you.
It doesn’t make you weak or broken or anything less than whole.
You’re a human being, and you watched a video of someone having sex, and you masturbated.
You made a decision that you regret and want to change.
But it does not lessen your worth at all.
Your desire to change your life by making better choices says more about you than watching porn does.
A Different Way
Here’s a different way to look at relapses so they don’t make you hate yourself as much.
My amazing coach told me that feedback is a roadmap to becoming a better you.
When I heard that, my first thought was, relapses are a roadmap to your porn-free life.
Relapses contain all the data you need to prevent the next one.
What triggered you?
What were you doing before?
Where were you?
What were you feeling?
What made porn seem like the answer?
Each relapse shows you what to work on and what skills to build.
Shows you what situations to prepare for.
Remember, it’s not failure.
It’s feedback.
It’s training.
What Now?
Take a deep breath.
You’re not broken.
You’re not evil.
You’re learning.
Write down what happened.
Not to shame yourself.
But to understand.
To get better.
This moment will pass.
You’re stronger than you think.
Keep going.
Get outside, touch some snow :)
Here’s a great article called, An Evidence-Based Way of Overcoming Shame